My Personal Search for a Simpler Life

I will love you

search4simplicity — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 19:40:07 +0000

I wrote this after working my first few days in the Downtown East Side of Vancouver. There is so much tragedy there there have been so many moments I thought I couldn’t bare the heartbreak- like when the woman told me she had been raped over 200 times, or when the man told me of his childhood watching his parents slowly kill themselves through alcoholism and the violence he witnessed that was enmeshed within this.

And… there is also hope. These people I spoke to still had hope for themselves and their future. They are still here, still breathing, despite their heartbreak. In a way they are warriors so I guess this poem is my way of standing beside them and saying ‘yes, I also have hope. I care, I believe in you and I will not turn my back.’ Thanks for reading this…

I Will Love You

Come home to me and I will love you.

You the scarred and broken- yes, I will love you.

I will hold you in my arms and kiss the scars that cover you;

I will stroke your tangled, lanky hair as if it were that of angels;

I will bathe you in sweet smelling rose petal water reserved for queens;

Washing away your tears.

Come home to me and I will love you.

You who has done unspeakable things.

You who you believe noone could know and still truly love;

I will love you with a boundless love. I will see through your violent mask.

I know you are scared. I know you are angry.

Whisper your hurts to me, I will listen.

Come home to me and I will love you.

You the crying child hiding in the dark corner.

You who believes noone can hear your screams, your gentle sobbing, your cries for help.

I will love you when you believe noone else loves you.

I will hold your hand and lead you out into the light where you can be seen in all your innocent beauty.

Finally, come home to me and I will love you.

You who believes you are ok; immune or powerless.

I know you do not know where to begin;

That you fear one tear shed will set fourth an ocean of suffering in which you will not be able to stay afloat.

I will love you through your walls, believing when you don’t in your own infinite power.

Don’t be fooled by the illusions of this world. Love is truly the only thing thats real. Open your heart and know what it is to love. To live. Have a beautiful day and remember to thank the birds for singing. Personally, I pray for the strength to remember what I have just written when I feel myself getting drawn into the illusion.

This Love

search4simplicity — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 19:06:24 +0000

Breathe it in;

This love.

Welcome all- the sadness and gladness and beginnings and endings.

I am slowly being broken open;

A heart closed since before remembering;

No light for the life inside.

I am finding a voice;

Soft, sweet, delicate but warrior like.

I am being heard.

Let this love cover me;

Like a blanket;

Speechless and real.

I am home now. I am home.

Blackwater Lake 28th August 2011

search4simplicity — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 05:19:18 +0000

Fishing, or rather watching Gabe fish, at Blackwater Lake in BC on a beautiful balmy afternoon:

“I watch the line glide through the air like angels hair,

Or the strand of a spider’s web in a feint breeze. (It’s all the same anyway)

Dragonflies fly lazily by, the soft drone of their wings somehow soothing. A tonic.

This stillness speaks to me,

Reminds me of something I so frequently forget.

I love this land.

Sunshine makes the soft, black water glisten as if to remind me of its utter preciousness.

The rich, green hillsides range wildly in their lusciously magnificent hues…

The mountains in the background, honorable and dignified in their presence, teach me so much about being in this world.

Find a home in your heart Heather.

Stay there…

And all this will be revealed to you.

All this magic. All this beauty. All this love.

I am always here. With you.

Look inside you heart, or look outside…

I am in both places, because you are in both places.”

Don’t forget! Love from Heather

A sleepless night…

search4simplicity — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 04:39:19 +0000

… troubled by the suffering we are putting Gaia through produced the following poem:

How much will you need to take before you have had enough?

Every day it becomes harder for me to breathe because of the thick black smoke billowing from your cars, your factories, your power stations.

How much more will you need before you are happy?

Will you be satisfied when all the trees are gone- exposing the earth to the other elements like a newborn child’s skin to a raging hot sun?

…Or when the oceans are dead; decimated by trawlers, poisons, plastics?

When will you grow up and realise you can’t continue to take without giving back?

A moment of appreciation at the wonder of me?

The loving restoration of my mountains, streams and oceans?

The planting of a seed?

Breathe.

I have loved you. From the beginning of time.

And I will love you forever, going forward.

And your sickness. Your wanting; is killing all of us.

All I want… is for you to come home.

Come home.

I will give you what you need.

We are not contained between our hat and boots.

search4simplicity — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 04:16:40 +0000

I wrote a poem while I was on Gabriola Island too:
The Bald Eagle is watching me,
Perched up in his tree;
I nod to him;
‘Don’t let me forget you,’ I say;
Unconcerned he looks on…
‘I am not contain’d between my hat and boots’;

Breating deeply I inhale the seaweed salty air.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
This is how it is meant to be;
My flesh on these rocks, listening to the gulps and waves of the sea;
I love this land;
I LOVE this land;
And I am not contained between my hat and boots;

Salty tears mix with the sparkling, shimmering water;
It looks like a diamond encrusted path that leads right to heaven;
And it does.
I know you; My mother. I am home.
And as the sun warms the rocks on which I sit I know;
I am not contained between my hat and boots.

Millions of years of knowing and loving are contained within these rocks.
I can feel it with my fingertips and in the palm of my hand;
And I love it- I love them.
Like my mother, they support me.

Visions of trucks and sledge hammers jolt me away… away from this peace.
STOP WRECKING THIS EARTH!!! I silently scream, as if a violent volcano of grief has erupted from within my chest. Don’t let me forget you…

You are also not contained between your hat and boots.

Money

search4simplicity — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 04:03:14 +0000

I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. I don’t like money. I don’t like that we live in a world where we buy and sell. I spent the earlier part of the week on Gabriola island off the coast of Vancouver, BC and life felt so simple. Living in a little tent with few possessions and just a campfire to keep warm once the sun went down. I found myself on a beach all to myself and I sat there for a long time in complete joy at the beauty of my natural surroundings… and thats the thing- these are our natural surroundings. We are not built to live in cities with credit cards and facebook for friends. We are meant to live in deep communion with nature- not separate or alone- and with each other; without all the myriad of social laws which frankly I’m beginning to think only serve to perpetuate a feeling of not being enough, a kind of emptiness and of being alone in the world. I grieve for the fact that we seem to have gone so far down this road that many of us don’t even know what it is were missing. True intimacy and connection- belonging. I don’t mean sexual intimacy; it goes far beyond that. I mean a connectedness with all life.
Anyway, I was sat there having this moment with nature and I just thought, ‘why can’t I just go out into the woods and survive by harvesting the food I find?’ and the sad thing is I don’t think I could- to me that would be the most authentic life, living in a way that is completely at peace and interdependent with nature but I don’t know enough to be able to do it. Of course we ARE interdependent with nature whether we live that way or not, but thats another thought for another day

Marianne Williamson

search4simplicity — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 21:12:59 +0000

I spent saturday 3rd April at a Marianne Williamson conference in London which was very helpful to me. She asked us to think about our own crucifiction- i.e what is it that we are crucifying ourselves for/about. I realised mine was guilt- I feel undeserving; not admittable to the gates of heaven (read ‘inner peace’). I can often feel the guilt in my throat like a cold ball of ice; weighing down on me and preventing me from really breathing (read ‘living’). I have thought since about writing to all the people who have been involved in some way with my guilt- because I did something to them that I felt guilty about, I’ve started this, but, surprise surprise, I have been avoiding continuing with this exercise…

I realised that if I felt good about myself, I wouldn’t do something that would later make me feel guilty… my ego is perpetuating a feeling of guilt by instigating situations it knows I will later feel guilty about. So I will let this be my resurrection. In time, I will endeavour to use my guilt to take me into presence… into peace. To remember that whatever I do to another, I am ultimately doing to myself, and I will try to forgive myself for forgetting, beyond ego, who I really am. This is real simplicity. Its wonderful to clear out things from our life that are weighing us down- to rid ourselves of possessions that we can all too easily become caught up in- but ultimately this simplifying is just symbolic of a clearing out from within, old thoughts, old behaviors, old beliefs. None of these things serve me now and the more I am able to simplify in that way, through meditation, mindfullness and maintaining an aware presence in everything I do, the less of the ‘little me’ (the person I think of and mistake for being me) will exist; the more empty I will be. And yes, this scares me a little, but only because its unfamiliar. I also know there’s a truth there- the more empty I am the more filled up I will become with a joy that is currently just on the edge of my awareness. I will look forward to having nothing because then I will have everything that means anything.

Inner peace???

search4simplicity — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 20:58:36 +0000

I had the most amazing week… it started badly as I chose to work half a day of my holiday but I eventually forced myself to go home, and each day of my break I went deeper into my peace. I started on (what was left of) monday with a thorough clean and tidy of my room, simple, healthy food and, as I said, no TV. On the tuesday I started my day with yoga, two hours of meditation, then listened to the first ‘day’ of the Eckhart Tolle recording of a retreat he lead a few years ago. I took some things to the tip with my friend and tried to really embody a kind of mindfullness- watching my thoughts and, usually, the total uselessness of them; each time I become aware of them, bringing myself back to the present moment. I also had an enlightening conversation with my friend at this time- she couldn’t understand why I needed to calm myself since she thought I was already so calm! This is not the first time Ive heard this. I always remember a few years ago someone calling me serene and several others have said I am very self aware! My friend said, ‘you do that [bring peace] for other people so why not for yourself?’ This question stayed with me through the week. In the past I have thought, ‘I’m just not easy to read- people don’t realise whats really going on for me,’ but this time I wondered if its the other way round. Eckhart Tolle teaches that that peace really is within all of us so why not me. Perhaps in my connection with others I can find that peace, but that at other times my mind is too noisy- I’m too caught up in the peripheries to notice that beautiful serenity that is always there beneath. Perhaps in moments that I am with others, and see their need for peace, I can access it for them because I forget myself. Something bigger than the ‘little me’ that consists of thoughts and memories and other things that make up my story, emerges out from within me. I can literally feel it. When its there, the quality of my voice change, the air in the room changes and something bigger than me is working through me. Its a joyous and beautiful thing- I don’t know why I don’t do it for myself… well, actually I think I do, but I’ll get to that!

So I kept working at my ashram concept through the week. I made it as much like a real ashram as I could- I lit incence, used my singing bowl to clear space, ate simple (but delicious) indian meals (vegetarian of course), bathed myself by filling a bucket with warm water and pouring it over myself with a jug (as I had in india) did only simple things like tidying, sewing, gardening, and reading, all of which I relished deeply, I turned off my phones, resisted checking my emails and didn’t use the tv or interenet till the friday evening when I had to book a train ticket. I can honestly say that with Eckhart Tolles teachings as a audible reminder through the week, it was one of the most restful, peaceful and beneficial holidays Ive ever had… I even spent the friday in compete silence- an experience that in itself taught me much more than I thought it would.

That peace is there, within me… within all of us… but our heads are making too much noise.

I went back to work on tuesday and by wednesday, I felt like I’d completely lost it again and it had all been for nothing… but thats not quite true because its always there within us. I just need to become more adept at bringing it to the foreground.

One of the most profound insights I had over the week was when I was listening to Mr Tolle speak and I imagined the whole earth as a blanket. Each ‘thing’ that exists, be it a person, a dog or a flower is an inbreath an expansion of the lungs which translates to a form taking shape on the blanket, but each form has an outbreath where it returns to itself- the blanket. I had a beautiful vision of how the earth breathes in in spring and summer and then out through autumn and winter; expansion and contraction and yet its all part of one thing- each inbreath must be followed with an outbreath. Perhaps none of this makes sense, but the wonderful thing is the day after I had this insight, I listened to the next ‘day’ of my Eckhart Tolle retreat and he said pretty much the same thing! Lots of simple acts of syncronicity like this happened through the week which told me I was on the right track… I guess the trick now is staying there!

A week for contemplation…

search4simplicity — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 21:46:15 +0000

I’ve been listening to Eckhart Tolle a lot recently. I find his teachings so powerful and I believe and hope I am being transformed by them, or rather, re-finding the truths about myself that I had forgotten due to being too caught up in thinking about the past and the future… what and who I am and the problems that I believe I face.

I had been feeling so stressed recently I had started to fantasize about just disappearing and going to stay in an ashram in India for a few months! Then I had a thought as I meditated at the farm where I work…’I can make my own ashram.’ And this is exactly what I am going to do… right here in my home. Its occuring to me now that this is something I should try to achieve as a reality in my life consistently and from now on. I guess I have been doing that to a point but definitely not consistently. I will be making more of an effort from now. I cleared out my email inbox the other day and even that felt great! Its about creating space for something new and unseen to come in. And because the things we carry with us are really not that important- they just weigh us down.

Next week, I am taking a week off so it seems like a good time to journey into myself (with Eckhart’s help)! I will be removing all unnecessary things from my life during this time. I will wash as I did in India using a bucket and jug (which I actually found very liberating); I will not watch any TV; I will turn off my phones; I will eat simple food that I have made myself from raw ingredients; I will do yoga and meditate; I will spend time clearing my space of clutter in preparation; I will only undertake simple tasks that I find relaxing and helpful in journeying into myself e.g. sewing, gardening, cooking, reading, painting; and I will spend at least one day in silent contemplation. I want to use this time as a remembering of who I really am (as part of the eternal) and as a shedding of what I am not. Wish me luck on my journey. I will let you know where it takes me…

The less we have the less we need

search4simplicity — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 10:24:51 +0000

At least, thats how it seems to me. This year I had terrible trouble trying to think of anything I might want for christmas. Through my work, I know that a lot of our indirect carbon emissions come from processed food we buy so I’m trying, little by little, to reduce my carbon footprint in this area. I, therefore, stumbled on the idea of a pasta maker as one of my presents… I can use eggs from our own chickens (dairy farming is one of the biggest contributors to climate changing gasses), meaning that small change should further reduce my own impact. As far as I know, its also possible to freeze fresh pasta (although if you know different let me know before I give myself food poisoning!) so I can make it in big batches when I have a few mins. Incidentally, I have found that making things from scratch has become a real joy for me. It makes me feel more grounded, I feel and look healthier, I can afford better quality, organic ingredients and it it probably one of the things which got me interested in a more simple way of life, full of simple pleasures. As a person brought up on microwavable pizzas and Frosties, I didn’t understand people who found cooking relaxing. Now I enjoy nothing more than cooking a lovely meal with fresh, local ingredients (especially if they are homegrown)- it gives me a pleasure thats difficult to describe but it has something to do with knowing how to provide for myself, rather than being a slave to what the supermarkets can provide for me. (There are so many things wrong with supermarkets from an environmentally conscious perspective but thats another blog…) It sounds dramatic, but I have found a sense of freedom as I have learned to make basic things for myself, like bread, pizza and sauces. I think a lot of people think, ‘why should I bother going to that effort, especially when no-one else does’, I guess I have a few answers to that. One is, because you will feel better for doing it: When we do things consciously, and we know that something we are doing is wasteful and not the best thing for our planet, our future, our health or our bank balance, it feels good to change it- it gives me a kick to know that I am, in a small way making a positive contribution. The second is that often the easiest thing to do is really not the thing that will be best for us. I know thats kind of the same as the last point but its easy to convince ourselves that its not worth the effort and/or I cant be bothered but, you know, if we accept less than the best for ourselves and our Earth, I think we are cheating ourselves. My third response would be, because ‘there are two ways of spreading light- be the candle or the light that reflects it’. We can, in small ways, inspire others to also make changes. Don’t underestimate your own power and influence.

Anyway, I’ve got a bit off track here! I just wanted to say that after a few months of trying to live simply, what I’m noticing, especially over the season of excess, is that I want less. Stuff doesn’t excite me anymore. Perhaps I am no longer seduced by the idea that stuff is what I need to be happy. I’m realising that this attitude (although it keeps our current economic system chundering on) actually keeps us trapped in misery. There was a survey carried out recently where they found that children in the UK were some of the most unhappy in the world so that kind of affirm my point- were missing something here- despite all the stuff our kids got this christmas, they still aren’t happy. And thats because thats not where you find contentment and happiness. Im no sage, I dont really know the path to true contentment, Im just saying that I think Im closer to it than when I had more things: more cds, more dvds, more clothes, more gadgets etc. Ive got rid of so much and rather than feeling depleted, I feel enriched. Perhaps with all this accumulation, we are blocking our view to what’s really important; simple pleasures like spending time with friends, cooking, savouring a bite to eat, learning something new, contemplating the big questions and making a positive contribution to our world. Have a good day.